Have you ever struggled because you know God is always there, but you are on the struggle train and don't understand why He doesn’t seem to be intervening in your life or in your current situation?
I recently listened to The Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast, Is It Really Well With Your Soul? "The hymn, "It is Well With My Soul" was first published almost 150 years ago. Those words are often sung in church or hung on the walls in our homes... but if we were really honest with ourselves, could we say they're absolutely true?" My honest and truthful answer is... No.
I have lived a life filled with tragedy, trauma, and pain. As a small child I experienced my younger brother pass away when I was only three years old. My parents divorced. I was raised by a single mother. I am a survivor of sexual assault. My second brother passed and shortly after my last brother committed suicide. The list goes on ... Thank goodness God blessed me with optimism. I was raised by a mother who taught me to see that someone else always has it worse.
Satan is constantly tugging, but guess what? Jesus is mightier. During my divorce God placed me in a loving community at our neighborhood home school with beautiful humans who love me, protect me, pour into me, mentor me, and cover me and my children. The last three years I have been blessed by an opportunity that opened up in a classroom with a team of amazing women who lift me up every single day. Some are aware of my struggles. Others not. My hope is that they read this. The Lord hand picked each one for a reason.
2020 had its struggles with the pandemic, but we remained a team. We cried together. We struggled together. We grew together. We healed together. This year, to my surprise I was removed from the class and placed in a challenging environment where I quickly had to advocate for myself. I knew immediately that every morning I would need to fill my soul with His word and walk in ready to heal with kindness. Pray often. Show grace. And, you know what? It has not been easy. I am exhausted. I feel broken. Some days defeated.
I have grown frustrated and this mama is tired. Every morning I have walked in with a hopeful heart. And, every afternoon I have gone home in tears. But the longer I walk with the Lord, the more I am seeing that I don’t need to know the plan to trust there is a plan.
Lysa Terkuerst wrote, "We can close our physical eyes and turn our thoughts to Jesus. Fix our thoughts on Him. Say His Name over and over and over. And know that we can trust our Father’s heart and His plans." Through the struggle I have had others come to me concerned. They have poured into my soul. They have text me words of affirmations, sent me worship songs, daily quotes, and have visited me to simply give me a hug, a card, a gift, and to lift me in prayer.
In Is It Really Well With Your Soul? I was reminded that every day we get to decide what we let in our minds and in our hearts. We also get to decide what we keep out. How we spend our time. What we give our attention to. Author and First 5 writer Nicki Koziarz addresses her biggest "God Struggles" aka “Sin Struggles”. She reminds us that when something compromises our soul it makes our soul not well. It was then that a lightbulb went off for me.
She reminds us that we are all going to die. At the end of it all we must care for our soul. Life is short. I know this more than anyone. When we are at the end of this life we will ask ourselves if our soul is well. When we take our last breath we will want to know if our bucket is full and if we’ve filled others buckets. In Genesis 35:16-18, we are reminded,
Then they moved on from Bethel. While they were still some distance from Ephrath, Rachel began to give birth and had great difficulty. And as she was having great difficulty in childbirth, the midwife said to her, “Don’t despair, for you have another son.” As she breathed her last—for she was dying—she named her son Ben-Oni. But his father named him Benjamin.
When we take time to dig deeper into Rachel's story (or just listen to the podcast) we are reminded that every one of us has a comparison zone. This is even more real in today's society with social media. It doesn't matter if you are in middle school, high school, college, in your thirties, forties and or on your death bed… As a women and a mother I sometimes feel we play the comparison game more than anyone. However, I know all too well that men struggle with comparing as well. Life can be unfair. And it can be hard as hell. Life challenges us. And, sometimes it sucks. But, God is good. He has a plan for each and every one of us.
Our soul is constantly tugged at by the world. By social media. By difficult people. But, in Psalm 107:9 we are reminded of our Father's promise, “For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” Jesus fills our souls with His presence, His Word and His peace. He is the good thing that will always be enough for our longing hearts.
Maybe now I am faced with a difficult situation, but God is faithful. I am not buckling for anyone or anything. God is in my corner. He loves me. He has placed godly gifts within me that are meant to flourish. I am a Godly woman. I am persistent. I am mindfully grounded in His truth. I am His daughter. And do you know what that means? I am worthy. I am blessed. I am going to be okay.
My soul has been filled with sorrow. The enemy has been poking and prodding at me. But, just like Leah and Rachel remind us in the Bible, we do not have endless days. We have this one life and this one life only. I promise myself and God that from this day on, no one is going to steal my joy. I may grow tired and weary, but I am, and only me is the guardian of my soul. No one else. And in order to be well with my soul I must guard my soul.