I know well enough that when you hold pain in it eats you from the inside out.
Many years ago I sat with faith and faced PTSD with a challenge. "I will push through you."
Still, I find myself hiding pain.
Holding fear.
Even storing it away.
All in an attempt to guard my heart.
This past week one thing led to many more things.
Confusion, sadness, loneliness, anger, and heartbreak set in.
I've cried.
I've prayed.
I've called on my people to help lift me up.
I've been embarrassed.
Frustrated.
Overwhelmed.
Scared.
Then, this pretty green swim suit arrived.
It has been weeks since I ordered this beauty.
I tried it on and immediately began practicing self hate.
I took it off.
I folded it neatly and packed it away to return.
Then, I read this quote, "She's been through more hell than you'll ever know. But that's what gives her beauty an edge... You can't touch a woman who can wear pain like the grandest of diamonds around her neck.” -Alfa H, Abandoned Breaths
My eyes opened.
My heart listened.
I realized I allowed the inner chatter to take me down.
I allowed evil to overcome me.
So, I put on the pretty green goddess suit and walked out the door.
I showed myself grace.
To let it all go.
To notice it, but pass through it.
Was it easy? No.
It was beautifully uncomfortable.