Yes, I am divorced. There. I've said it. Deep breaths. It has taken me forever to share this very personal news because mostly I have been grieving, but also because questions always follow. Really personal questions that want personal answers. Here it is folks, honestly, the details aren't anyone else's beeswax. Marriage is personal and so is divorce.
Divorce is like death. The denial is very real. I just knew I could make my marriage all better. The anger and frustration would fester and next thing I knew I found myself bargaining to postpone what I knew was ahead. Depression would try to creep in any opportunity it had. And, then there is acceptance. This doesn't mean you accept what has happened, but you do learn how to move past the pain that digs deep in your gut and festers in your heart.
This December it will be 1 year since we separated. And although honestly, we were separated long before then, my heart is still so broken. We all know that the internet and social media paints this oh so perfect life for us all. We rarely post the hard stuff. That being said, honesty and vulnerability are two things I respect and admire most in a human being. I'm not up for posting about my divorce on social media and honestly I've had concerns about blogging about it. But, then I realize I do not have to go into detail. There are others out there going through the same thing. They are hurting too.
I'm like some of you, I never thought it could happen to my marriage. The dirty D. But, it has. After nearly 20 years of marriage. It certainly can happen. It's sad. Heartbreaking. And, I don't have the answers why. But, I will say this, there are several things that have helped me along the way.
First, community. I have some of the dearest, most empathetic, loving, and selfless friends on the planet. They love me and they are there for me no matter what. They have taken me in. Cried with me. Prayed with me. Held me. Fed me. Answered my calls and texts any time of the day. Or night. And, the best part, not a single one of my friends mentioned the word divorce. Then, there is family. My cousins... They are the next best thing to having a sibling. Except, I have 10 of them.
Second, lots and lots of reading. I've read books such as Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic, Sally Kempton's Meditation for the Love of It, and Lysa Terkeurst's It's Not Supposed to Be This Way. When I wasn't reading one of these I was reading Sarah Young's Jesus Calling devotional or watching something that made me laugh.
Third, running... It helps to pound out all the frustration and anger out and onto the pavement. Often times I find myself crying while running in the rain needing to push through it. It's the best therapy, crying and running in the rain.
Fourth, crying... There have been nights I have cried myself to sleep. It is better than chocolate when your heart has been broken.
Last, I have accepted that sometimes life doesn't turn out the way I think it should. When I remember to take a step back and look at the whole picture I see the endless blessings which surround me and my children. The truth is, my marriage was over a long time ago. We grew apart and were no longer a team.
In Christ, there can't be a resurrection without a death. I fought long and hard for my marriage thinking I was in control. Thinking no way would we be defeated. That I could fix us. The thing is, my marriage had already died. I don't have the answers and I don't know why things turn out the way they do. But, I do know that the Lord is the only one who truly knows what is ahead. Once I handed my marriage over to Him and chose to trust in Him it was then that I realized He had been walking alongside me all the while, guiding me, strengthening me, and covering us. In Lysa TerKeurst's book, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, she says "Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like."
The Lord is soverign. Trust in Him.
